Hello. This is my website. I decided to create it to talk about stuff. I'm not really a fan of Substack anymore, and I like this weird indie web vibe going on here. Anyway, this is my first post:
January 27th, 2025.
I had just come back home with a "bucket" (really, a small bucket of cocaine you can get for R$20 around here), ready to celebrate what seemed to be a geopolitical victory of BRICS over NATO: the release of Deepseek and the collapse of the AI bubble in the stock market. Now, don't get me wrong. I hate these machine learning models that techbros call AI, but it is always good to see more of the crumbling stones of the declining empire. And I had to celebrate dust with dust, which I did by spending hours and hours watching videos and learning how to finetune Deepseek for my job.
It was then 2:30AM when I decided to go to bed, after almost emptying the contents of the bucket. I disconnected my TV from the power outlet, which I don't usually do, but the gray light was a tad too overbearing, and laid down. I spent some time thinking and thinking and thinking, 'bout some girls and 'bout some books, while trying to breathe as slowly as possible. But my heart kept beating faster and faster, and so I went into the internet to know if I was having a heart attack. In hindsight, a bad idea, because reading about the symptoms made me more anxious. But alas, my chest was not burning (yet) and I didn't feel any pain (yet). I kept doomscrolling, as always, until maybe around 4AM. I was scared of going to the kitchen and waking up my mother, so I decided to just let my mouth dry up as I tried to sleep.
A strange feeling came over me, not related to a burning chest nor anything. It was just a strange haunting. Something was telling me that I was going to die. I stood up and walked to the kitchen and grabbed some water. My entire body was shaking and sweating and I could barely drink the water without dropping half of it on the floor. I whispered, as I tried to scream, "mom, call the ambulance". She immediately got up and asked what was happening, to which I replied that I was having a heart attack (probably). She asked if I had smoked anything, and I said that I had done blow. Obviously she spent more time judging than calling the fucking ambulance. But she eventually did call them, and when they heard it was just another dope dying they said it would be better to drive than wait for an ambulance. Fine. I rushed back to bed. My mom helped me and handed me some water every now and again, but she eventually went back to her own room.
As I was trying to relax, my heart kept beating harder and harder. Faster and faster. I tried some "ohm" and I tried some good ol' breathing with my diaphragm. My hand laid in my chest as a heart rate monitor. And then, my whole body felt light. I couldn't feel pain, nor temperature, nor anything. My vision was more perfect than when I'm wearing glasses. I didn't have to try breathing calmly because my whole body was serene. Have you ever been the last person in the office? Your own lights are turned on, but everyone else has left? It is a very picturesque setting: you are doing the last tasks of the evening and it feels like you should go home. Someone is waiting for you.
My brain was probably the last guy working there. I felt no other organ, nothing else. Just my eyes relaying information for my brain to just finish whatever he was doing and then go home. My heart had stopped.
That was probably the most unsettling thing I have ever felt in my life. Something was calling me, and my mind was gentle enough to turn off any doubt, any pain, any distraction, and just produce a blissful void. It must have been fifteen to twenty seconds of heartlessness, but it felt like hours. I managed to, in one moment, punch my own chest and scream "mom, it stopped". She ran into my bedroom with a bottle of water and looked at me. My eyes were wide open, because in that moment of bright bliss, of last light, I knew that if I turned off the lights I would end up home again.